BAND OF ANGELS

because when I got on the scale today, it read 233. Did I lose that much in just more than a day? Or did my eyes deceive my brain yesterday?
Who knows? Who cares?
I'll take the new figure and run -- well, not exactly run -- with it. So I weigh 233 pounds, down 114. I'm ready for my closeup with the 220s and beyond, Mr. DeMille!!
Thank you, angels! You are my inspiration and my lifesavers.
xo

I'm still losing weight, though slowly. Today, the end of Week 51 (next Friday is the first anniversary of starting the pre-op meal plan), I weigh 234.75 pounds, down 112.25.
Next week, cracked bone or not, I am going back to my physical exercise. Beneath my right eye, I still have a bluish purple bruise, more than three weeks after the accident. It's the longest I've had a bruise last, and it hurts when pressure, even just a bit, is applied there.
However, I've decided to take extra-strength Tylenol before swimming, so if there's a lot of pain with the goggles, I won't feel much of it.
I am sick of being house-bound; my daily outing consists of getting up at 6 a.m. and driving Andy to work. Then Nat takes the van to school for the day.
My biggest outing so far was a trip to the hospital last week to see my psychiatrist. He's referred me to the outpatient clinic for personal therapy, now on Dorval, and did another referral to back up the first one again last week. Now I simply wait for an opening.
My medical coverage would pay for non-OHIP therapy, but I have to pay up front and that's expensive, running more than $400 a month. And I get only a percentage of that back. Also, the therapist has to be a certain type or it's not covered. Thus, I need an OHIP therapist. Regardless of the wait, though, it will be worth it.
Because I've been home, not much is new, though I went through a blue box of papers that needed to be filed, and then I went through my file cabinet, tossed what needed to go and then switched to hanging files rather than folders, which tear too easily.
That meant doing new labels to attach separately, and then organizing the new files alphabetically and putting them back in the drawers.
That occupied me for three or four days.
I've also been selling a few things on cheapcycle that we don't need or that Chris left behind, and putting that money aside so Andy and I can go to my cousin's wedding in Quebec this July. We'll go by train, rent a car so Nat has the van and be away from a Friday to the Sunday. Plus I will have at least a dress to buy. I'm not sure about Andy. His suit is fairly heavy, and he could use a lightweight one from Moore's. So this is quite a project.
In the meantime, I find I'm having trouble coming down from those absolutely wonderful Olympics. I never watch the closing ceremony because that way I don't have to watch the flame go out. I love the Winter Games the most, but the Summer Games do in a pinch to get me through till the next Winter Olympics.
I wore my official tuque and my Believe red fleece scarf every day till all the events were over for the night. In fact, I never got to wear my hockey jerseys or mitts or gloves because I was afraid that, if I changed anything, I'd jinx the run of gold. For me, the women's hockey final is the top event, with the men's game coming second.
Sigh. Four more years till Russia, and heaven knows what the time difference will do to our coverage.
Meanwhile, I must settle for London in between.
Chris went up to Vancouver for a weekend but didn't have any tickets to any events -- he just wanted to be with the crowds. I sent him a Team Canada jersey and I know he wore it while there. He stayed with friends from Oakville. We've asked via email to tell us about his time there, but he's gone into turtle mode.
Andy's doing badly -- he's so sore in his shoulders that he can't sleep, and yesterday morning he couldn't even lift a coffee mug off the table. All the pills and the fatigue are making him feel muzzy, and his short-term memory is affected. He simply cannot cope with it all, and it hurts to see him so desperately in need of help. Plus he must do the dogs alone until I can walk for an hour, and he also takes care of my needs.
He's got to see the doctor again and get a letter advising that he can't work. Meanwhile, the company is too cheap to get decent trucks; one driver went through three in one day, and managers are having to drive to help clear the backlog of work. They've even asked for a volunteer to take a Saturday work day, but no one's stupid enough to split their weekend. There's just no time to rest and let the body heal.
Some of the trucks have lifters to take the huge bags from the ground to the floor of the truck, where the worker has to lift them again to put them in the shredder. However, most of the lifters no longer work, some trucks have no heat, others have no AC for the summer, all because the elements are broken. All sorts of labour laws and safety rules are being ignored. I'm going to report the company to the Transportation and Labour departments, because something has to give other than the drivers' health. These men are going to be crippled for the rest of their lives, and live in perpetual severe pain. I cringe at the amount of painkillers Andy is taking just to get out the door in the morning.
Well, that's about it, angels. I will write next week to let you know how exercise goes again. I can play hurt, but I can't play in agony, which is what I feel now with the goggles. I've even had to adjust my CPAP mask because one of the straps goes right across the lower orbital bone. I've learned by trial and error how to get it to stay in place most of the night without air seeping out the side, but I'm waking a lot to keep fixing it again. I'll be glad when the crack finally heals, and the area is no longer so sensitive.
Have a wonderful weekend, despite the high temps and lack of snow, and I'll meet you back here soon.
xo

I think my orbital bone is cracked in two places, though there's nothing to do but let it heal. Where I was cut and where my cheek was slammed into the metal part of the door are now extremely painful and my goggles hurt like heck to even put on. I can't seem to find a spot that doesn't hurt.
I think the pain was less last week because the swelling provided padding, but it's going down and now it's the bone that's bearing the brunt of the rims. It even hurts just to gently touch both areas.
So it looks as though I will be day to day before swimming again.
Meantime, N is taking the van to school, and I've told her she has to drive Andy to work and pick him up. It will be good for her to take some responsibility.
As for my mood, it's still deathly. I don't know how much longer I can hold on before it's the hospital for me. Right now, I just feel sick to my stomach, have panic attacks and sleep a lot. I am taking daily anti-anxiety meds to help, but my regular dose. I'm also on pain killers (Motrin) to help the ligament, and it seems to be working. I have a new knee brace for swimming, but I need all parts of me to be able to withstand the water.
It sounds silly, but I don't want to be in the hospital because they will have to force feed me or put me on a drip, and I won't get to see the Olympics. Right now, that's the highlight of my life.
And, after some reflection, I finally decided to send my mother an email detailing all my hurt feelings over her treatment of me all my life. My dad told Andy that she couldn't understand my anger at her. Well, it's going to hit the fan, but when I tried to talk to her directly before, she denied anything I remembered and insisted her memory was the correct one. She never said she was sorry and she has continued to treat me the same way, so I've finally decide to itemize my hurts that go way back into my childhood. Just as I'm accountable for my actions, she's accountable for hers. And one of my sisters was abused verbally, emotionally and physically as a child, and the verbal and emotional abuse has not ended -- it's just more subtle. So I've sailed off a cliff in this regard, but I don't regret it. I won't take any more guilt or insults from her.
At least if I fight for myself, I'm not entirely crazy.

In weight news, I'm 238.25 pounds, down 108.75. My BP is good.
However, I fully expect to be in the psych ward sometime soon. My so-called daughter told me today that she hates me. I've known for a long time that she blames me for everything bad in her life, and for anything Andy has been involved with.
I cannot live like this any more. Yesterday, I spent the whole day in bed, wondering if we had enough gasoline somewhere in the garage so I could self-immolate and save the cost of cremation.
I have lived like this for too long. I have a call into CAMH for help, but I'm not expecting much.
Nat will never love me again as she did before. She denies everything in her past and has rewritten a new, false history for herself. She despises women in general and me in particular. This is intolerable for me. Last Wednesday, she slammed the van hatch door on my back and head, an accident, I belive -- giving me a monster headache, a huge, swollen black eye and a cut that bled into my eye on my brow. I was extremely shaken and sobbing with pain and shock.
She only thing she said was that she hadn't done it on purpose and to keep breathing. No apology, no asking how I was feeling later that day or the rest of the week. Nada. I spent a lot of time in tears. I looked like Rocky after taking 10 punches to the head. I made Nat take me to emergency right away, where the doctor decided I needed no stitches and, if I had a small cheek fracture, he recommended letting it heal on its own. As for my head, I was told to watch for signs of concussion. As it turned out, I was on my own there, too. I kept checking myself for signs.
My goggles hurt when I wore them afterward, but I still swam Friday despite the pain.
It was the beginning of a disastrous time, though the others weren't related to her. I partly tore a ligament in my left knee and swam with a brace on, but was not my usual self in the pool. I cried over that and my eye and cheek pain.
Then I got bit twice by a spider in bed and have two huge red marks on my arm still, each about half the size of nickel. I took antihistamines for the pain, but they still itch.
I've asked my psychiatrist to put me on a list for an outpatient therapist and will check with him on Feb. 25, when I next see him, to see if anything has been done in that regard.
Meanwhile, Chris has decided he doesn't need to respond to email or phone calls, unless I push. We sent him some money as his grad gift a couple of weeks ago, and didn't hear back other than to say he'd pick it up in a few days.
When I asked for about the third time if he'd even received it, he finally sent back a note saying he thought Western Union would have notified me that he had picked up, and sorry about that. Well, Western Union is not in the business of reassuring anyone that money has been picked up -- it would just add it to its exhorbitant fees for sending in the first place.
I've asked Chris time and again to let me know what kind of webcam he'd like so we could visually talk via skype now and then, but he never gives me an answer. And when we leave messages on his voice mail, he doesn't "notice" them till midnight our time and figures he shouldn't call then. So I get a couple of lines of mail, if I'm so lucky, in the next few days that never answers any questions.
I've sent a couple of packages, too, but have not heard whether he got them or liked them.
Andy is terribly hurt by this, as am I, though I'm the one Chris sends his terse little missives to because I keep asking if he received things. He and Andy used to be very close and now Andy feels Chris wants no relationship with him.
Chris has never been a great communicator when away.
Personally, I feel as if I'm nothing but a source of money to the kids; if it wasn't for my disability pension, they would rather I dropped off the Earth.
I'm spilling my guts here today because if I don't, I don't know what I might do. I am at the end of my rope emotionally. I haven't seen my best friend in more than two years, though she writes occasionally. But her life is now filled with a grandchild and great-nephew and her own worries, plus she works hard, so I'm low on any list of priorities.
I'm sick of bringing all my friends down with tales of gloom. My parents are not supportive -- my mom doesn't listen to anyone but herself and controls my dad.
Both were the cause of a lot of my problems growing up. My sisters are out of the picture, except for one, whom the other two look down their noses at. Andy's family is not really appropriate for me to talk to. They've always hated my blog and prefer to talk about me than to me.
I just cannot get past the fact that my beloved younger child hates me with such a passion. She will excuse her dad anything, but I am the villain in every case. She talks under her breath all the time, but I hear every so often what she is saying, and it curdles my blood and stabs me in the heart.
I cannot go into detail, but it is as bad as it can be for me. I am facing war on too many fronts, and I'm exhausted and too tired to fight or stand up for myself any more.
All I can say is that I'm sorry for everything I wasn't able to be for anyone, and maybe I'll get another chance in another life.
Unless I win the lottery, I'm trapped with no escape but one. I just want to lay all my burdens down and be done. Even if I go to Hell, it can't be worse than this.
And I won't be publishing comments on this, but I will save them. Only a few friends know what's really going on with her, other than all the people she's told, and I have to keep this private from my support group or she gets mad.

Not too much is new this week, other than my extremely sore right eye, which was strained watching Avatar at the IMAX on Monday.
It's still pretty sore and prevented me from swimming Thursday and Friday. And (probably a good thing!) it's curtailed my computer time to very low use.
I believe I also have a small infection, so I'm on eye drops and Tylenol till it clears. I'm determined to be back in the pool on Monday, though.
In weight news, I am now 243 pounds after Week 46, for a total loss of 104. I have ordered some inexpensive bathing suits in the next three sizes down from the 24 I'm in now. It's beginning to get big on me, but I'm determined to get another month from it. I started in a 32, so this is another indicator of progress.
And, my last bit of news, I'm the proud parent of a G2-owning daughter. Nat passed her test with great aplomb on Friday, not that I had any doubt that she would ace it. She's an excellent student and will make a wonderful teacher after university.
I'm still trying to come to grips that she will be entering postsecondary education in the fall. It seems only a while ago that I was grieving over Chris heading off to Waterloo. Sigh.
Meanwhile, angels, have a good weekend, and shake off some stress. Heaven knows, it's a killer.
xo

Here's the news from the U.S. northwest:

Here's that update I mentioned in my last e-mail for forwarding to the rest of the family.
Things are going well for me out here so far. I've finally got more or less settled in at work and I have begun to make contributions to my team's projects. For those who don't know what it is I'm doing, my team is responsible for tracking all the transactions made on Amazon's digital services (eBooks for Kindle, video on demand etc.) and generating the reports that determine how much we need to pay to the vendors that sell content over our aforementioned services. As such, we interact with a lot of other parts of the company and there are always new things to do as Amazon's services continue to evolve, which means I'll be kept busy.
As for my place, I'm currently settled into an apartment downtown with a great view of Elliott Bay. I'm still a little lacking on furniture, but I'm hoping to be able to continue stocking my place soon enough. With luck, I'll have a TV in place in time for the Olympics and hopefully the Super Bowl. I'll probably take some photos once I have more to take pictures of and perhaps once we actually get a day that isn't overcast. The great thing about living downtown, though, is that I have easy access to the market and its stockpiles of fresh meat, fish and produce. In fact, I just spent the last hour and a half cleaning, chopping and cooking fresh squid (Mom's note: Ewww!) to make a squid dish for an event at work, so I best get to cleaning up.
I hope everything is going well back in Ontario. Feel free to e-mail me at any time!
Cheers,
Chris

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If anyone is interested, write me for his address, though I don't think anybody at MGUC knows him.
I'll blog Sat. a.m. with my latest weight. As for today, I had 50 minutes of Dorothy's great workout class, then swam 4.25k in 3.5 hours.
I desperately need 4oz of hot soup with tofu and half a protein bar as my afternoon snack.
xo

Good news, angels. I have lost the 10 pounds I gained, plus two more.
That puts me at 245 pounds after Week 44, down 102 since March 13/09.
My fat mass went from 143.5 to 127.5 pounds. My BMI is 47.8, down from 53.9. I started at 66.
So, good progress. I had another wee fill today after the one in November because, with all the exercising, I find I'm feeling hungrier instead of satisfied after a regular portion.
This should slow the passage of food from my banded area to my digestive stomach and keep me satisfied longer. It also will keep me from exceeding portion limits or adding extra snacks/meals.
All the exercise and protein are working. I had set a mental goal of 200 pounds by the end of June, so that would mean an average monthly loss of about 8.7 pounds. It may be unrealistic, but we'll see how February goes.
In other news, I'm on only one BP med now, plus a water pill, antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills.
I'll probably always need the last two. I have blood tests to do at the end of March. My GP has them done every three or four months to keep on top of things. After that, I will see my endocrinologist about the leaking of calcium into my blood. That could mean surgery like my dad had for the same thing. Hopefully, though, there is something less drastic. I can't afford to cut dairy from my food because it is at least half my protein intake, including tofu, milk and low-fat cheese.
The fill nurse told me today that a tummy tuck at the clinic is $10,000!!!
I had heard that OHIP will cover the surgery if you lose 100 pounds or more, but she said it will take only 3 to four centmetres of skin.
I could have 40 pounds of the stuff, plus I need a breast reduction because my back and shoulders have been affected by the weight of the big lassies.
I'm going to check with my GP and psychiatrist about this. I'm sure OHIP will cover a full tummy tuck based on medical reasons, ie my knee replacements. All I would need is an appeal based on medical assessments of the extra weight of skin and its effect on recovery from knee surgery and the long-time durability of the replacements.
Meanwhile, I'm missing Chris -- he's been gone more than two weeks and the house seems so empty during the day. I have the occasional tearful moment because he's really off now to make his own life and because of the physical distance between our residences.
I have the mom miseries.
But just think of the change he'll see when he comes back for a visit! I can't wait, though it probably will be around Christmas.
Thanks for being by my side, angels. Without you, I'd have sunk into the depths, never more to be seen.
xo

I have gained 10 pounds since Christmas Eve morning. Instead of curbing my appetite, I've been carbing it.
It all began with my gift basket: I was able to fob off the decadent hot chocolate to Andy, but the bag of chocolates was more than I could handle.
Of course, once having given in to the chocolate scourge, I was a goner for a while. I added shortbreads, mashed potatoes, gravy, dressing -- plus some protein, but not in the same quantity as those cursed carbs.
We may not have had any snow, but I was tumbling and skidding down the slippery slope of self-indulgence.
I finally got enough courage to step on the scale today, and I winced when I saw where the toggle finally rested.
It's my own fault; all my good intentions turned to mush. Even the guilt I felt as I was straying from my path didn't stop me. In fact, as with all the guilt of my life, I stuffed it down with food -- the wrong kind.
Because of the need to share the van, my depression and inability to rouse myself from bed, my sorrow at having Chris leave this Wednesday for Seattle for a long, long time and my dread of certain other immediate family issues, I became a basket case, sitting on the couch, crying a lot and exercising only with Dorothy last Tuesday.
I am scared about tomorrow's medical appointment and aching so badly already at having to say goodbye to Chris at the airport.
I am crying again as I write this, and I cry every time I think about it.
Since he was born, he has always been "my sweet baboo," as Lucy used to call Linus in Peanuts. He can hardly wait to get there; I am wondering how far they'll let me go in the airport, clinging to his legs and weeping. I don't think I could classify as carry-on luggage, but I've thought of it.
Anyway, although my emotional life seems to be back in shreds -- it's like a hem that won't stay up, or a button that keeps falling off -- it's back to the pool today, back on protein without carbs and back to working the program.
I'm sorry to have let you all down. I promise to work harder. There will be no more temptations in this house. Please continue to hold me and my family in your prayers, as I do all of you in mine. I'm hoping these pounds will go off as easily as they went on (note to self: You are delusional).
I will write again when I'm back to 100 pounds lost. I don't think I will be able to write about Chris for a long while. It just hurts too much. Nor will I be writing about Nat, unless she gives me permission to mention any good news in terms of school or curling.
Let me say only that my aches in other areas are overwhelming. My forces are spread very thinly on many fronts, and it doesn't take a great deal to keep me living in the "slough of despond."
In the meantime, keep a watch for positive news about weight loss. I won't write about each pound as it goes, but I'll let you know when I'm close.
And let's all have a healthy, peaceful, joyous 2010.
xo

Yes, the magic figure of 100 pounds lost has finally come. Praise be.
I thought I'd let everyone know I'd reached 247, because it's likely to fluctuate for a day or two as I celebrate Christmas, wisely, but still ... and the pool's closed till Tuesday.
We all did this together, so pat yourself on the back or give yourself a hug and a kiss. None of this would have been possible without all of you.
In other quick news, Andy is very, very sick -- he finally went to the doctor this morning and is on a special sinus medicine and strong antibiotics. He has absolutely no energy and can barely walk. And sleeping is hard, too, because he's so clogged. He's exhausted and looks terrible -- and feels worse. How he worked this past week, I'll never know.
So, he will not be at church tonight and will miss Christmas dinner at his sister's in Toronto. He's on bed rest for the next while.
The kids will go -- it will be fun for them to play the games and join the chaos that is a King Christmas -- much laughter, tons of jokes and fabulous food. They also will be responsible now for driving their grandfather back to Northridge senior care centre.
And Chris must be at Best Buy in Burlington at 12:30 a.m. Boxing Day for a long shift stocking shelves for the sale madness that Dec. 26 has come to mean.
Andy and I will be having Swiss Chalet's festive meal tomorrow night, and we must get them at 3:30 today before everything closes. I think I'll order ahead of time and have them delivered so no one has to go out.
I was able to get in 1.5k in the abbreviated swim time that we had this morning, and I was pleased with that.
In the meantime, you have more important things to do than read my blog (and I'm not sure if I will write again before next Friday), so I'll sign off. Angels need to rest, too.
Andy and I, Chris, Nat, Purdy and Zeke wish all of you and your loved ones the merriest and holiest of Christmas Days. Stay healthy and, above all, relax and live in joy.
xoxo

I am now 248.75 pounds, down a total of 98.25! Only 1.75 pounds more to go to reach 100 since mid-March. Thank you all so much!!!
Phew!
And in other health news, I saw my GP yesterday, who was amazed when he weighed me (heh, heh) and asked all sorts of questions about the banding procedure and what I was eating. He was very impressed with the success of using this band.
Today, three of us go for our eye exams. It has been a week of appointments for me.
As for my two-month glucose reading, it was down from 7.3 to 6.2 without meds, but part of the time I was still indulging in some chocolate.
My blood calcium reading was high, meaning possible leaching from the bones, so I will visit my endocrinologist in the new year to see what can be done. I really can't cut dairy out of my menu because it's an important protein for me. It may be that something is out of whack with one of my parathyroids. My dad had one of his removed a couple of years ago when his levels got extremely high and he had benign growths on it.
I'll let you know what we decide to do. It may mean a scan or whatever of the parathyroids.
My BP was 100/70, compared with 106/60 the previous time. So, I now am on only one med for that, and I'm to have another complete blood workup in March and check back with Dr. Springle to see if I can be weaned off the final one.
In the meantime, I will continue to get occasional readings from a nearby Shoppers to keep my own tabs on it.
I had a great week of exercising, swimming Monday, Wednesday and Friday -- and did 4k Friday because they have extended lengths hours and I swam for 3.5 hours. Wednesday has extra hours, too, but it's a combo swim (only a few lanes for lengths) and I needed to leave before the end to pick up Nat. I did 3k that day. Usually, I can do about 2.5k in the regular two hours. I took Thursday off because we had a banking appointment at noon and two other appointments that morning.
Tuesday, Dorothy came over and really worked me well. It felt great.
If there's a level entrance to the church come mid-January, I will be joining the older-adult exercise group on Wed. mornings and then rushing to the pool to swim.
I won't be using my weights there, so Dorothy and I may still do a short weight-training session during the week. But I want to give her a break, so I will ask for new sheets of exercises using weights only, and I can do them on my own and let her have some time for herself for a change.
My old exercise sheet is out of date now, I'm pleased to say. I urge everyone to sign up for her coming aerobics workouts or her older-adult group. Believe me, the woman works wonders!
Earlier this week, my family had a bit of a scare when it seemed my mom had had a mild stroke in the middle of the night, but she's now been diagnosed with a mild case of Bell's palsy. That was very welcome news considering the alternative.
To balance that situation came news that one of my nieces is expecting her first child next August. We have three grand-nieces now, so maybe this will be our first grand-nephew. Still, I don't feel a day over 56.
God has certainly blessed me with all of you and so I send angel blessings to you in return. See you here again soon.
xo